


A Comedy of Cliches

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-31
Updated: 2006-03-23
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: When Draco realizes he loves Hermione, will he be able to keep her from seducing Harry? How will their parts in the new school play help him? Who is this new student from America who was sorted into Gryffindor? Romance and humor collide at Hogwarts! (Light R for language & themes.)





	1. Of Epiphanies and Badges

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**A Comedy of Cliches  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
By Jewel**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters were created by JK Rowling, and are copyrighted (©) to its rightful owners. There is no copyright infringement intended by this fanfic. 

Set in 7th Year. Standard spoilers apply.

 

Summary: A Draco and Hermione romance full of cliches and hormones. Some crude and odd humor. Basically me using my weird wit to poke fun at some common Harry Potter 'fic plots. Rated a light R for language & themes.

_Chapter One:  
Of Epiphanies And Badges _

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl, and two more boys and a Greasy Git of a Potions Master who had an abnormal fascination with the Wise Headmaster. There was also a Werewolf, a Violent Tree and a Sex Fiend House Elf, but this is not their story. And there are appearances by the Gentle Giant and an Transgender Advice Giver, but this also is not a tale about them. This, Gentle Reader, is the story about a boy and girl, a Train, two more boys, a Broom Stick Closet, a Common Room, a Large Bat and a Nosy, Matchmaking Professor.

It all began the summer before Seventh Year. In a distant land known as Wiltshire resided a certain blond Slytherin. One bright and sunny morning the birds were happily chirping and the air was scented lilacs and Draco Malfoy awoke to a jarring, nerve-wrecking, mind-numbing, blood-pumping epiphany. He had been living a lie. 

The past seventeen years hadn't really belonged to him. They had belonged to the body-snatchers, Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy (not necessarily in that order). But on this sunny summer morning Draco realized that he was wrong. His attitude towards muggles, mudbloods and the world in general had been completely askew.

And this soul-changing epiphany had been brought on by the life-altering realization that he loved Hermione Granger. 

The last six years had been nothing more than his childish attempts to gain her attention. The hexing of her friends, the name-calling, the insults, the voyeurism, it had all been an effort to make her look and see beyond the smirk. See beyond the shiny blond hair and heart-stopping gray eyes. To see the real Draco Malfoy. The lonely child of selfish and evil and abusive parents. 

This year, however, would be different. Draco realized as he hummed along to the birds' tune, that he would forever turn his back on his family and heritage. He would win Hermione's love and devotion. He would help defeat the Dark Lord and save the world. And, if there was time, have some amazing, soul-bonding sex.

Fate, despite being known as cruel, was decidedly on Draco's side. For that same morning, upon rising from bed and trotting downstairs to dutifully receive his morning whipping and beration from his father, received his letter from Hogwarts. Along with a school list there was the letter announcing that Draco would be Head Boy this year. 

Head Boy would mean sharing a common room with the Head Girl. Who would most likely be one bushy-haired Know-It-All Gryffindor. Oh, Draco thought (swooning from either the idea or the blood loss from his beating), I will finally have the chance to make Hermione drool over my bulging muscles!

 

As it would happen, that same bright morning Hermione Granger was sitting in her parents' garden picking wild flowers and destroying them. I love Ron, she thought, picking off one petal from a yellow flower. No, she thought, picking off another petal, I love Harry. But wait, no, I love--

Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a brown barn owl bearing a large package. With an undignified squeal Hermione jumped to her feet and expertly caught the package as the owl released it from its talons before it took to the air again. Hurriedly Hermione ripped open the package to find her latest supply of Frizz-Be-Gone Hair Potion and her dietary supplements guaranteed to giver her sexy curves to be drooled over.

Hermione was still dizzy with uncharacteristic joy when another owl delivered an official looking envelope. Along with the standard school list for students entering Seventh Year, a bright, shiny badge fell out the envelope.

"Mum! Mum!" Hermione yelled, running back into her house. "I've been made Head Girl!"

Hermione stopped short at the entrance to the living room. Her parents were lying on the floor, motionless. "Merlin's Kidneys!" Hermione cried, falling bonelessly to the floor. "They're dead! The Death Eaters have killed my parents! "

In a frenzy Hermione turned and ran to the foyer. "Lady Of The Lake's Ears! Now they're going to rape me! Dumbledore's Sweet Tooth! Where is my savior?!"

"Hermione!" Her mother yelled. "Hermione, dear, what's all this noise you're making?"

"Who's here to rape you?" Her father bellowed, standing right behind Hermione's mother.

"Mum! Dad!" Hermione exclaimed, rushing over to pull them into a hug. "You're alive!"

"Well yes," answered her Father. "Why would you think we were dead?"

Hermione stepped back from her Parents. "You were both on the floor! And you weren't moving!"

"Oh, that," her Mother said, waving a hand dismissively. "My contact fell and your father was helping me looked for it. Then we were debating whether or not we should do something about the ceiling. I would much rather a mint green decor. What do you think, dear?"

Hermione merely smiled back happily. "I'm just happy that the Death Eaters didn't get you! And goodness, I shan't be raped!"

"I would bloody well hope not!" Hermione's father said, his face still red at the thought of his daughter being violated.

"Now, Hermione, is that what I think it is in your hand?" Her mother asked.

"Certainly not the shower head!" Hermione quickly said before realizing she was holding her Head Girl badge. "Oh, this. Right. I'm Head Girl!"

 

Later that afternoon the two aforementioned boys lounged in an empty room in the Black house. The two boys grinned at each other before whipping out their wands. No, Dear Reader, remove your mind from the lower bowels of the streets. The two boys were currently engaged in a Wizarding duel. 

Predictably they both stopped at summons of Mrs. Weasley's shouts. "Boys! Oh boys! I need you both in here for a second!"

Putting their wands back into their pockets the boys followed Mrs. Weasley's excited shouts to the Kitchen. "Mum?"

"Oh, Ron! You've been made a prefect again!"

The red-haired Boy grinned and triumphantly grabbed the shiny badge from his mother's hand. "Yes! I'm a prefect! Another year of sharing a bathroom with Draco! Oh, those muscles!"

"Ron, you're drooling like a little school boy!" Harry Potter whispered to his friend. "And you said that last part too loudly."

Too dazzled by the utter shininess of his new badge, Ron ignored his best friend. Which suited Harry just fine as he turned back to Mrs. Weasley. Harry grinned broadly as he waited for the Head Boy badge.

"Harry, dear," Mrs. Weasley said, "Here's your school list."

Harry's face fell. "Don't I get a shiny badge, too?"

Ron scowled at this. "Oh Harry, can't you let me shine for once?!"

"But I thought I would be Head Boy. And then Hermione would be Head Girl and I could share a common room with her," Harry said sadly. "Aww..."

"Don't you think I wanted that, too?" Ron asked. "She's sure to have bought that new potion for instant curves. Damnit, another year of having to spy on Dean's."

And thus, Gentle Reader, began our tale...

_.End Of Chapter One._

Author's Notes:  
\- Originally, part of this 'fic included random capitalization. However, it is extremely difficult to decide what words should be capitalized, and then comb through the 'fic and do so. It's even harder to take them out. So, for the sake of easier writing, I've done away with the random capitalization.  
\- In the next exciting chapter: _Riding on Trains With Boys_!  
\- Reviews would rock.

 **Jewel**  
(Posted October 31st, 2005)  
(Chapter One revised on April 19th, 2005)  
(Chapter One originally written on July 21st, 2004)


	2. Riding On Trains With Boys

A/N I apologize for the incredibly long wait. For faster updates, be sure to check out my site [http://www.tornpages.net](http://www.tornpages.net/)

_Chapter Two (2):_  
Riding On Trains With Boys  


Harry Potter paused in the train station to inhale the scent of urinals. Ah, how he did love the days when he returned to Hogwarts! Beside him was his best friend Ronald Weasley, who was pushing the trolleys. The two boys were about to enter Platform 9 3/4 when Ron suddenly stopped walking. 

"Holy Broom Sticks, Harry! Do you see that sex goddess over there? Who is she?" 

Harry turned to where Ron was pointing. Indeed the girl was hot. Long, sleek hair flowed down her back; tight robes clung to sexy curves... Harry could only fault Ron one reason for staring. 

"Ron! That's your sister Ginny!" 

"Ginny? But when did she get a body like that?" Ron asked, still staring bugged eyed at the petite redhead. 

"I can't be sure, but it could be..." Harry's words trailed off as he caught sight of another sex kitten. Walking towards them with ample hips swinging and perky breasts swaying, was a girl with glossy brown hair and chocolately-cinnamon eyes. 

"Now hold on, Harry," Ron interrupted. "She's not close enough yet for you to judge the color of her eyes." 

"Yea, yea," Harry said distractedly, "But I just know her eyes will be the most breath-taking shade of hazel." 

"What happened to chocolate?" Ron demanded. But then the sidekick got a clearer view of the brunette as she drew closer and the crowd thinned out. "Wait a second! Isn't that...? Yes, I'm sure it is!" 

"Who, Ron? Who is it?" Harry asked breathlessly, ever anxious to find out the identity of his new soulmate. 

"That's Crookshanks! Oh, this sexy, erection-inducing creature is Hermione!" 

"No!" Harry gasped. 

 

Meanwhile, Hermione was almost purring in delight at the effect she was having on the male population of the Train Station. When she had entered boys and men alike had tripped over each other to offer her their trolley to use. 

Oh, Hermione thought, I could just kiss whoever invented those 'Sexy Curves' pills! 

As Hermione's assets had increased, her robes had become tighter. But rather than replace them with new, looser robes, Hermione had decided that she rather liked having her new curves highlighted. 

Who needs brains, she thought, when I now have such wonderful breasts! 

Hermione flashed a big, bright smile as she came closer to her two bestest buds in the world. "Harry! Ron! I'm so happy to see you!" 

She paused for a few seconds to consider the beefcakes in front of her. Summer really does make a difference! Harry was now much taller and much less scrawny. Oh, and even hotter! And Ron was even taller than Harry, with bigger biceps! I could swoon! Casting a glance down the length of Harry, Hermione stepped closer to him and whispered, "My, Harry, is that your wand or are you just as happy to see me?" 

"Both, actually," Harry replied earnestly. 

"Hermione!" Ron cut in; "The summer really was kind to you!" 

Smiling, Hermione looped her arms through the two Boys' arms and continued walking to the Hogwarts Express. "Leave the bags," she instructed, "My army of sex slaves will get them." 

 

Behind a pillar lurked Draco Malfoy. His eyes feasted hungrily on Hermione as she walked arm in arm with her boys. One look at her newly improved ass and Draco just knew, simply felt it in his soul, that he loved Hermione. 

"Draco," Crabble whined, "When are we going to stop staring at the Mudblood?" 

"Be quiet!" Draco hissed in response. "I want to be able to hear every word that falls from her beautiful lips!" 

Glancing around to make sure no one saw him, Draco slipped behind another pillar and then another, following the Golden Trio as they entered Platform 9 3/4. 

 

"Do you get the feeling that someone is following us?" Ron asked as the three friends boarded the train. 

"Look at me, Ron! I'm stunning!" Hermione exclaimed. "Of course everyone is following us!" 

"Er, well, 'Mione," Harry said, "I am kind of the arch-nemesis of Voldemort." 

"Voldemort? He's old news!" Hermione retorted. 

"And besides, Harry," Ron added, "Didn't you conveniently kill him in the sixth book?" 

"Quite right, mate!" Harry suddenly remembered how he had defeated the Dark Lord the year before. "I did kill him good! And now I'm free to be promiscuous this year!" 

Something about Harry and Ron's exchange nagged at Hermione. There was something she was forgetting. She was sure it was important. If only I could remember! But as quickly as the memory came to Hermione, it left as she caught sight of her reflection on a window. 

"Oh dear! No, no, this hair will never do!" Hermione stood up and opened the door to the Trio's special compartment. "Excuse me, boys, I simply must change my robes and fix my hair." 

"Change robes?" Harry asked with a puzzled expression. "But, Herm, we haven't even left the station as yet!" 

"I was hoping to get a bit of snogging done with dean before I have to attend to my duties as Head Girl." 

"Oh," both boys commented in unison. 

When Hermione arrived at a changing room, she was quite dismayed to find a line. It seemed that everyone else was trying to squeeze in maximum snogging time. Hermione returned to the Trio's special compartment only to find Ron and Harry engaged in lewd acts. Ron was busy groping Lavendar while Harry stuck his tongue down Ginny's throat. Deciding not to interrupt her hormonal friends, Hermione sent in search of another changing room. 

She hadn't gone more than two compartments before a mysterious hand shot out of an unnoticed closet. Hermione barely had time to gasp before she was pulled into a dark and small Closet. 

"Hermione! My Love!" Her kidnapper cried. "Finally you are in my arms again!" 

Hermione swatted at the roaming hands that tried to grope her. "Malfoy? What the hell are you doing?" 

Draco gave a her a sloppy, wet kiss before letting go of her. He fished his wand out of his pocket and whispered, "Lumos." 

"This isn't funny, Malfoy!" Hermione yelled, using the back of her hand to wipe her mouth. 

"Don't tell me that you've forgotten already!" Draco exclaimed, clearly stricken. 

Despite the dire situation at hand, Hermione couldn't contain her hormones enough to dismiss how hot Draco had become. Her eyes drank in the sight of his broad, wonderful shoulders. And his beautiful, artless hair that fell around those scrumptious shoulders. He was amazingly taller than Harry and Ron, and towered over Hermione. 

"I told you to stay away from me," Hermione hissed, resisting the urge to leap on top of him and shag him to death. 

"I know I said I would stay away, Hermione, but I can't!" 

Draco grabbed her again for another icky but appealing Kiss. And suddenly all the memories of summer came flooding back to Hermione... 

_.End of Chapter Two._

Next chapter: _Skipping Down Memory Lane_

**Jewel**   
(Chapter Two revised on April 19th, 2005)   
(Chapter Two originally written on August 4th, 2004) 


End file.
